


Who has the instructions on how to raise a child?

by EstaJay



Series: A second chance to do things again [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: And that baby grows up into Connor, Evan finds a baby in the orchard, I have no idea where this is going, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Canon, eventual kleinsen?, parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 08:48:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12650187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EstaJay/pseuds/EstaJay
Summary: No one knows how the hell to do this so Evan will have to make this up as he goes.(The little moments before and between 'Letters to Myself'. Can be read as a stand alone)





	Who has the instructions on how to raise a child?

**Author's Note:**

> Because I can't think of what should happen next in the letters, have an origin story.

For all his love of trees and nature in general, Evan had never been to the orchard at the outskirts of town. He had heard of it sure, from classmates sharing about amazing family days among yellow fields and tall trees. A younger Evan, desperately trying to fill the gap his father had left, had been enthralled with the place. It was a utopia that was just out of his reach. He never brought it up with his mom though because the last thing she needed was to waste time that could be better spent working on the broken little boy that tore apart her marriage. Sometimes, though, as his mom would tuck him into bed Evan would be tempted to ask about a picnic at the orchard, just the two of them enjoying the sun without a worry in the world, then he would notice the darkening circles around her eyes and the weariness that she tried to hide in her voice.  There would be another time, Evan told himself as his mom retreated to her own room to sob tears that he pretended not to hear. 

Then the orchard closed down and that little utopia was gone forever. 

Evan never thought of the orchard since then, choosing to channel his nature passion into the slightly farther Ellison National Park. It was a simple train ride away no need to bother his mom or Jared about dropping him off or picking him up when all he needed was the calming silent presence of the towering trees. He had come over so often that one summer he was offered an apprenticeship as a junior park ranger, something that he would have loved to spend the rest of his life doing. 

Then Evan broke his arm. 

Then Connor Murphy signed his cast and took his letter and took his life.

Then came the Murphys’ misconception. 

Then came the lies. 

Then came the broken relationships.

Then came the truth.

And now…

_ “Did you fall or did you let go?” _

Evan shook his head in the vain attempt to dispel the echo of Connor Murphy. Not the real Connor Murphy. No, just the sad invention of a compulsive liar that could only ever make things a giant mess. Everything was just one big fucking lie and he was done with it. Done with everything. 

He had done it once, he could do it again and do it right. Connor Murphy did it, so why couldn’t he?

Evan stood in front of the orchard’s gate. Autumn Smiles Orchard it was once called. Now they were renaming Connor’s Orchard. He ran his hands over plaque installed over the gate:

_ ‘In loving memory of Connor Murphy, beloved son, brother and friend. No one deserves to be forgotten.’ _

Evan could think of one person who deserved to disappear. He saw him in the mirror every day. 

There was a hole in the wire mesh of the gate, something that Evan could easily slip through. How rebellious of him. The old Evan would never have done that, he would have chickened out and gone home like everything was going to be okay. Maybe the pretend Evan might have. The one that was best friends with Connor Murphy. Who remembered so many good things about the boy written off as the stoner school shooter. If Connor had brought him here, they would have gone through the hole in the fence together. 

Though everything was overgrown and rotting, Evan could see how this was once a hotspot for family days and picnics. He trudged through apple mush and rotting weeds. It was calming here, peaceful but very lonely. What would it have been like with someone else? Evan wasn’t the type for small talk and he doubted Connor, the real Connor and not the fake one, would have been one for much either. It would have been awkward between them but at least they wouldn’t have been alone. Maybe after a while, it would have become a comforting silence. Just knowing that someone was there by your side, that you weren’t completely alone. 

What if Evan had chased after Connor that day? Explained what the letter was about instead of being frozen in place and bemoaning how pitiful he was. Could he have stopped Connor from killing himself? Could they have been real actual friends?  

Maybe. 

Maybe if Evan had a second chance, he wouldn’t let Connor feel so alone, that there were people that cared about him and would miss him if he were gone and-

His cheeks were wet. He was crying, wasn’t he? Evan wiped the tears away. Pathetic really, crying over someone he never knew. No, a memory that he had forever tainted. Everything was broken and there was no fixing anything. 

There was no changing the past.

He trudged forward. 

Evan saw something flicker just out of his line of sight. He turned swiftly, half expecting it to be gone by the time he looked. There was someone there, just at the edge of the treeline. He felt a chill run down his spine.

Connor Murphy.

He blinked several times. He rubbed his eyes. Connor Murphy was still standing there, eyes locked on him. 

It had to be a hallucination or a figment of Evan’s imagination or something. Connor Murphy was dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. There was no way that was actually him standing there. 

Then Connor started moving away and Evan had the sudden urge to follow. Evan ran, stumbling through the undergrowth and overgrown roots following the dead boy’s figure. 

The trees slowly parted, making way for a clearing of yellowed grass and wild flowers. And there was Connor, racing towards the lone tree in the centre. 

It all made sense made sense now. Connor was there to make sure he did it properly this time. He had come back just to make sure that Evan would finish the job and keep on following him. 

With a reckless abandon Evan followed, running after the fading form of Connor Murphy. It felt like this fleeting moment could go on for forever while a sense of liberty cloaked him as he knew it was all going to be over soon. This time, he would climb higher for sure. 

His foot snagged on something and Evan fell face first into the root of the tree. The dirt blinded him slightly, making the entire world appear fuzzy for a moment. Evan sat at the base of the tree with the phantom feeling that someone was helping him into the position. When the dirt cleared from his eyes, there was no one there. 

Then there was crying. 

It wasn’t from Evan, the voice was too high pitched for that, but there was no one else there. He was certain of it. Tentatively, he stood up and followed the wailing sound. There on the other side of tree, nestled between two large roots, was…

A baby. 

A baby.

Why was there a baby in the middle of an abandoned orchard?!

Evan quickly looked around, searching for someone that would have left the baby here but there was no one else. The baby’s cries grew louder. Shakily, Evan scooped the baby into his arms, bouncing slightly and muttering nervous nonsense in hopes of stopping the crying. The baby just cried louder. 

From there, things seemed to blur. Evan left the orchard then took the train back home with a screaming infant in his arms but looking back, he could remember nothing of that. From what his memory would later supply him, one moment he was in the orchard and the next he was at his doorstep, fumbling with his keys in one hand while trying to keep the now quiet baby secure in the other. 

Evan dropped his keys but he didn’t pick them back up. Instead he sat down and stared at the baby in his arms. For once, his head was completely silent. There were no voices telling him how badly he screwed up or how this was going to ruin everybody’s life. Just silence. A hollow empty husk. 

After who know’s how long, his mom pulled into the driveway. She probably wanted nothing to do with him, with a selfish ungrateful liar that was about to drop another burden onto her already heavy load. 

“Evan? What are you doing out...is that a baby?”

And the tears were falling again. “Yes.”

His mom ushered him inside and sat him on the couch. She then returned with two cups of hot tea and sat down beside him. 

Evan’s mind was still blank. Nothing was processing right at that moment. He was barely existing. The weight of the baby felt so surreal in his arms but his mom’s arm around his shoulder grounded him. 

Later, they would report the baby to the police station but no one would come to claim him. 

Later, Evan would sit with his mom with adoption papers strewed around them. 

Later, Evan would find himself in that same cycle his mom had with work followed by classes with child rearing between. 

Later, Evan would watch his son grow and find that there was more to the name ‘Connor’ than just a simple namesake. 

Right now though, the moment where everything felt so big, Evan sat on the couch with an unnamed baby in his arms and his mom by his side. 

This was his second chance and he wasn’t going to waste it.


End file.
